for the past few years that I've been writing, i've regaled anyone who cared to read them with stories of life as a married working mother of two feisty little girls. but three months ago, something changed; i was informed that i was going to be a single mother. my husband wanted a divorce.
these things happen every day. marriages fail, spouses bail. but of course, nobody ever counts on it happening to them. how? why? what went wrong? the list of questions and doubts and fears is endless. now, I've got a whole 3 months worth of sob stories to tell, but this isn't all about me. it isn't all about the sadness. it's about overcoming. and it's about them.
them. the girls. my babies. the greatest accomplishment that was created from mine and my soon-to-be ex husband's 9 year relationship. how would they react? would they understand? how would they feel to have 2 homes, be split between parents, not wake up every morning to both mommy and daddy living under the same roof? well, let me tell ya...kids are resilient. they're also very perceptive. and i've learned that they can be your rock when you need them to be...even if it's something as simple as curling up beside you in bed at night or telling you they love you.
so what's changed? the income, for starters. having to completely restructure your budget and spending habits to accommodate having one less salary in the household is a tough pill to swallow. marking 'divorced' on the girls' school forms and listing a separate address for their dad hit me pretty hard for some reason. and the fear of not being able to do it all alone is, well, frightening.
but as scary as all of this is, i've learned some valuable lessons. don't ever rely too heavily on anyone else for money or any other support, because they could walk out in the blink of an eye. know that you're not alone...there is always someone you work with or live beside or a friend-of-a-friend who has gone through the same thing and has a wealth of knowledge and advice to share. rely on friends and family; even if they can't offer first-hand wisdom on what you're going through, they can offer a shoulder to cry on or plan a "girls' night" to help you laugh and forget your troubles, if only for an evening. don't lose faith; god has brought you to this place in your life for a reason and he never makes mistakes. and above all, put those babies first. let them see that it's ok to be sad, but that in the end, you're going to be stronger because of the struggles, and so will they.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
diary of a self-described couch potato
looking back at old photos, i can honestly say that i was always a pretty slim child. i never went through a 'chubby' phase (although i do recall wearing a 2-piece during my spring break of '93 trip to florida, and i swore i was THE fattest human being alive). in elementary school, i was long and lanky. in high school, i was tall and of average weight. and apparently, i always had a high metabolism because i ate like a horse and didn't exercise one bit.
well, guess what? obviously, with age comes weight. and a slower metabolism. and, at least in my experience, a lack in the desire to be active whatsoever.
for the past several years, summertime has become an increasingly dreadful season. not that i don't love the sunshine and gorgeous weather, but with summer comes the pressure to wear shorts and skirts and (gulp) a bathing suit. do you know how horrible it feels to decline invitations to pool parties and water parks simply because you don't want to bare your fat butt for all the world to see?
i'm sick of it. sick of having a so-so body. sick of muffin tops over jeans, love handles, and cellulite on my thighs. fed up with my arms flapping. and fat knees. did you know that a person can have fat knees? i've never been "built" or had a rock hard body, but when your 5 year old spanks your bottom and sticks her finger in your belly and says, "ooh, it jiggles!" you know you have to do something.
i've tried exercising before, but it seems that i always lose interest and motivation. i don't like workout videos because i don't like looking at the women leading the workouts. rather than being motivated to continue exercising in the hopes of one day looking like them, i'm instead ticked off at them for being so freaking thin in the first place. and i owned an exercise bike at one time, but ended up selling it on craigslist because, although i did use it some, it was just so dang boring.
so then i decided i'd give running a shot. it's something i can do alone without having to watch some skinny chick show me how. and since it's not an activity in which you stay in one spot (say, in the middle of your living room where you can easily just call it quits after 5 minutes and lie on your couch instead), you can't just give up in the middle of it. after all, if i run a mile from my house, i'm forced to run that same mile to get back, right? i have several friends who are runners. and they love it. i've heard that running becomes addictive. so here i go.
my first step was to downloaded the c25k app to my phone. i barely walk, much less run, so i knew that i would need to start off slow. and this program is really awesome for beginners, so i hear. after my first run, during which i spent the majority of the time pushing my bra straps back on my shoulders from where they continuously slipped down my arms for 30 minutes straight, i discovered the need to invest in some sports bras. ah, the sports bra. now i really felt like an athlete. i also discovered just how out of shape i really was. i almost passed out in a neighbor's yard. and the air was so cold that i was convinced that my lungs were bleeding, if that's possible. but wow, did i feel amazing afterwards! and i was in such a great mood! must have been those endorphin things that i've heard about.
unfortunately, i'm one of those people who want to see quick results. so, being in my 2nd week of my exercise routine, i'm expecting to see a slimmer physique when i look in the mirror before getting in the shower. and i'm thinking my jeans should be a tad bit looser. and the running should be a little easier. um, that's a negative. in fact, i may even be flabbier. and the running is getting harder. and my scales are still sitting at the highest number they've ever registered, unless you count my pregnancy weight.
so...what now? give up? decide that trying to do something good for my body isn't worth the trouble? tell myself that if i don't see any results after 2 weeks then i never will? nope. believe it or not, i'm actually going to stick with this. because when i close my eyes, i can see myself sporting a rockin' bikini bod this summer...and that's well worth the feeling of bleeding lungs, lack of sleep, aching shins, and calloused feet. oh yeah. bring it.
well, guess what? obviously, with age comes weight. and a slower metabolism. and, at least in my experience, a lack in the desire to be active whatsoever.
for the past several years, summertime has become an increasingly dreadful season. not that i don't love the sunshine and gorgeous weather, but with summer comes the pressure to wear shorts and skirts and (gulp) a bathing suit. do you know how horrible it feels to decline invitations to pool parties and water parks simply because you don't want to bare your fat butt for all the world to see?
i'm sick of it. sick of having a so-so body. sick of muffin tops over jeans, love handles, and cellulite on my thighs. fed up with my arms flapping. and fat knees. did you know that a person can have fat knees? i've never been "built" or had a rock hard body, but when your 5 year old spanks your bottom and sticks her finger in your belly and says, "ooh, it jiggles!" you know you have to do something.
i've tried exercising before, but it seems that i always lose interest and motivation. i don't like workout videos because i don't like looking at the women leading the workouts. rather than being motivated to continue exercising in the hopes of one day looking like them, i'm instead ticked off at them for being so freaking thin in the first place. and i owned an exercise bike at one time, but ended up selling it on craigslist because, although i did use it some, it was just so dang boring.
so then i decided i'd give running a shot. it's something i can do alone without having to watch some skinny chick show me how. and since it's not an activity in which you stay in one spot (say, in the middle of your living room where you can easily just call it quits after 5 minutes and lie on your couch instead), you can't just give up in the middle of it. after all, if i run a mile from my house, i'm forced to run that same mile to get back, right? i have several friends who are runners. and they love it. i've heard that running becomes addictive. so here i go.
my first step was to downloaded the c25k app to my phone. i barely walk, much less run, so i knew that i would need to start off slow. and this program is really awesome for beginners, so i hear. after my first run, during which i spent the majority of the time pushing my bra straps back on my shoulders from where they continuously slipped down my arms for 30 minutes straight, i discovered the need to invest in some sports bras. ah, the sports bra. now i really felt like an athlete. i also discovered just how out of shape i really was. i almost passed out in a neighbor's yard. and the air was so cold that i was convinced that my lungs were bleeding, if that's possible. but wow, did i feel amazing afterwards! and i was in such a great mood! must have been those endorphin things that i've heard about.
unfortunately, i'm one of those people who want to see quick results. so, being in my 2nd week of my exercise routine, i'm expecting to see a slimmer physique when i look in the mirror before getting in the shower. and i'm thinking my jeans should be a tad bit looser. and the running should be a little easier. um, that's a negative. in fact, i may even be flabbier. and the running is getting harder. and my scales are still sitting at the highest number they've ever registered, unless you count my pregnancy weight.
so...what now? give up? decide that trying to do something good for my body isn't worth the trouble? tell myself that if i don't see any results after 2 weeks then i never will? nope. believe it or not, i'm actually going to stick with this. because when i close my eyes, i can see myself sporting a rockin' bikini bod this summer...and that's well worth the feeling of bleeding lungs, lack of sleep, aching shins, and calloused feet. oh yeah. bring it.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
the cup of death
this past monday was a typical monday. almost rear-ended 3 separate vehicles: check. forgot to pay ella's daycare payment: check. sat in coffee: check. ruined iphone in said coffee: unfortunately, check.
you've seen movies where a character is screaming and then it flashes to a screen shot of a mountain top or forest or some distant place, indicating that the person's scream can be heard that far away? well, that's how i felt. and in slow motion. when i returned to my car after dropping ella off at daycare that morning and my brain registered that the foreign object bobbing in my coffee cup was in fact my phone, i could just picture birds in a far off wooded area flying out of the trees from my shrieks as if a rifle had been shot. sure enough, my phone had slid from the console where i had set it into the cup of death below.
now, i'm not super trendy when it comes to gadgets and technology. i don't have an ipad. i don't twitter. and for the longest time, i refused to get an iphone. but in the year that i've had it, i've become addicted. i facebook from it. i pay my bills on it. it contains all my appointments. i can't travel without its map app. i listen to music on it at work and in my car. it holds the phone number of everybody i know. and if i decide to ever start exercising, i've already downloaded the "couch to 5k" app.
so after a trip to at&t on my lunch break and hearing the devastating but predicted verdict ("i'm sorry...there's nothing we can do until you're eligible for an upgrade on february 1st..."), i decided that maybe God was teaching me a lesson. maybe he was telling me to lay off the coffee. or perhaps to be more responsible with my belongings (much as i try to drill into my own children's heads). or maybe, just maybe, he was saying, "hey...stop being a slave to your phone. it doesn't own you!"
so what great revelations have i made during my week sans iphone? well, i've learned how annoying it is to try to have a conversation with somebody who has an electronic device glued to her hands (madelyn and ella, i'm talking to you...) and now understand why my parents gripe about me having my phone at the table during meals. i've learned that i CAN live without facebook. i've realized that i should memorize more of my friends' phone numbers. i've learned that i really need a hobby. i've discovered that there is always going to be a photo opp when you don't have a camera handy. i've determined that at&t doesn't care if you've been a loyal customer for 8 years, that doesn't mean you'll get any sympathy or special treatment if your phone is subjected to water damage. and i've learned that i really, really need to invest in some travel mugs. really.
you've seen movies where a character is screaming and then it flashes to a screen shot of a mountain top or forest or some distant place, indicating that the person's scream can be heard that far away? well, that's how i felt. and in slow motion. when i returned to my car after dropping ella off at daycare that morning and my brain registered that the foreign object bobbing in my coffee cup was in fact my phone, i could just picture birds in a far off wooded area flying out of the trees from my shrieks as if a rifle had been shot. sure enough, my phone had slid from the console where i had set it into the cup of death below.
now, i'm not super trendy when it comes to gadgets and technology. i don't have an ipad. i don't twitter. and for the longest time, i refused to get an iphone. but in the year that i've had it, i've become addicted. i facebook from it. i pay my bills on it. it contains all my appointments. i can't travel without its map app. i listen to music on it at work and in my car. it holds the phone number of everybody i know. and if i decide to ever start exercising, i've already downloaded the "couch to 5k" app.
so after a trip to at&t on my lunch break and hearing the devastating but predicted verdict ("i'm sorry...there's nothing we can do until you're eligible for an upgrade on february 1st..."), i decided that maybe God was teaching me a lesson. maybe he was telling me to lay off the coffee. or perhaps to be more responsible with my belongings (much as i try to drill into my own children's heads). or maybe, just maybe, he was saying, "hey...stop being a slave to your phone. it doesn't own you!"
so what great revelations have i made during my week sans iphone? well, i've learned how annoying it is to try to have a conversation with somebody who has an electronic device glued to her hands (madelyn and ella, i'm talking to you...) and now understand why my parents gripe about me having my phone at the table during meals. i've learned that i CAN live without facebook. i've realized that i should memorize more of my friends' phone numbers. i've learned that i really need a hobby. i've discovered that there is always going to be a photo opp when you don't have a camera handy. i've determined that at&t doesn't care if you've been a loyal customer for 8 years, that doesn't mean you'll get any sympathy or special treatment if your phone is subjected to water damage. and i've learned that i really, really need to invest in some travel mugs. really.
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