if i'd known then what i know now...
every little girl buys into the fairy tale. her prince charming is going to come riding in on a white horse to rescue her, put her up in a palace, and the two will live happily ever after.
i call bullshit.
cynical much? nah...just realistic.
i used to be THAT girl. i have a decent job. i work for the state. i was fine with having retirement and a 401K. that's cool; i can work for twenty some odd years and then retire and do what i really want to do. i'm thinking i'll work in a coffee shop or a cool cafe. and my hubby would pay for the rest. yeah, that's my future.
but then he leaves you. "he", being the man who was supposed to supply the fairy tale that everyone buys into. the prince charming that was supposed to put you up in that palace.
yeah, exactly. your prince charming decides to leave you. someone younger, prettier. whatever.
there were several months in which i wallowed in self pity. how did this happen to me? why is god punishing me?
and then i realized that i wasn't being punished. i was being blessed.
until now, my blogs have been light and fluffy. humorous. but today, i'm feeling real. so here you go.
there's no way to glamorize single motherhood. well, unless you're a freaking kardashian or something. ooh, look at my perfect preggo belly and my nursery that louis vuitton himself designed. i mean, seriously...being a single mom is hard. but having no money makes it considerably harder.
i didn't marry for security. i married for love. but sometimes, it doesn't always work itself out as planned. i do what i can. i make ends meet...barely. i work hard. and i get child support, which is more than a lot of women get. i'm thankful. but still..it's hard... and that's not the life i envisioned for myself...or my girls. i mean, who does? who wants to just get by?
i'm sorry...but think about it, ladies. what if you had to do it all yourself? no hubby to get the kids in the bath, no 2nd income, nobody helping with homework.
i always admired my single mommy friends, but i never appreciated them. really appreciated them. dear god, i do now.
you girls rock!
i wish i had it all together. i wish i could say that i can do it. but i can't. hell, i'm far from it. i do well to get us all dressed in the morning. but my kids are fed, they're dressed, and they're loved beyond belief. i'd say they're better off than most.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
a little bit of bad in the best of us
i remember saying my first curse word. i was in the 5th grade. i was playing with my best friend in the creek beside her grandmother's house when i forced that four letter word from my lips. truth be told, she made me say it. we still laugh about it, because the only reason i said it--aside from always having VERY easily given in to peer pressure--was because she had called me a "goody two-shoes".
really? what does that even mean? the phrase doesn't even make sense. but to a 10 year old wanting to seem cool, being a goody two-shoes is most definitely NOT the way to go about it. so i said it. i think it was damn. maybe hell. but whatever it was, a funny thing happened; after i said it, i wanted to say it again. it was like being just a little bit bad felt just a little good. i mean, it's not like it all went downhill from there. cussing wasn't my gateway sin into hard drugs or robbery or anything major. but let's face it; everyone has a little mean streak. a little bit of bad.
i remember ella's first curse word. i think she was 4. we were frantically searching for the car in walmart's parking lot, a pastime in which i regret to say i've spent way too much time participating. finally, exasperated, ella sighs, "well, where the hell is it?"
i was mortified. my sweet ella, as fed up as i was with pacing down each aisle of cars looking for our own, had verbalized what i was thinking. i briefly scolded her, but the shame on her little face broke my heart because i knew that she had quite possibly heard the word from me, and that she didn't realize it was wrong.
that was just her first time. the second was when she couldn't pass a level on one of her nintendo ds games. we were waiting in line for an oil change and the girls were getting antsy. she had been grunting and mumbling under her breath, so i knew she was becoming aggravated with whatever it was she was doing in the backseat. all of a sudden, i hear "what the hell?" and almost immediately following came sobs of guilt. oh geez. what is it with that word? what is it with saying something wrong so that we can feel just a little better? even if we end up feeling even worse afterwards?
now, madelyn is different. she's always been about as straight-laced as they come. a couple of times, she's gotten tongue-tied and accidentally let one word slip, but meant another. and even that unintentional slip of the tongue has made her so embarrassed and ashamed that she nearly bursts into tears. but for the most part, she knows right from wrong and does her best to never stray from these truths. i see so much of myself in that child. the people pleasing, rule abiding, trouble avoiding 10 year old that i once was. don't get me wrong, she has her vices. she loves to get mad and scream at the top of her lungs when she doesn't get her way, or lose her temper and shove her sister when she gets on her nerves, just because it feel good to get out the frustration. for a brief moment, there's a sweet release in just being mean.
but i see something in both of my girls that makes me so proud. despite our penchant for huffing and puffing and the occasional ugly word, my children possess a genuine sense of empathy and compassion. they have a conscience. they have such a love of others and a true understanding of they should and should no do. they are good, good kids. the other day, we were in a shopping plaza and saw an old man sitting in the doorway of an unoccupied space. he may or may not have been homeless, but he did appear to be lonely, perhaps down on his luck, and both girls sensed this. ella grabbed my hand as we walked. "what if he doesn't have anything?" and then madelyn, upon returning to the car, dropped her head and prayed. she didn't have to tell me she was praying for the old man, though she did. i just knew.
i worry about raising my girls. every day, i'm scared to death of what this cruel world is going to do to them. how cold and jaded it may turn them. and raising them alone only exacerbates these fears. i thank god every waking hour that i have someone who shares my morals and core family values and helps me instill these in my children, but wow...parenting is not easy. all i can do is pray that i'm doing a good job. i'd even settle for decent job. but every once in a while, god gives me a little sign that maybe, just maybe, i am. every time my child prays without being told before a meal or sheds a tear for a man asking for change, i get a little confirmation. maybe i need to stop beating myself up and accept that i'm not doing as bad a job as i sometimes feel that i am...
...even when my 6 year old swears at her video games. :)
really? what does that even mean? the phrase doesn't even make sense. but to a 10 year old wanting to seem cool, being a goody two-shoes is most definitely NOT the way to go about it. so i said it. i think it was damn. maybe hell. but whatever it was, a funny thing happened; after i said it, i wanted to say it again. it was like being just a little bit bad felt just a little good. i mean, it's not like it all went downhill from there. cussing wasn't my gateway sin into hard drugs or robbery or anything major. but let's face it; everyone has a little mean streak. a little bit of bad.
i remember ella's first curse word. i think she was 4. we were frantically searching for the car in walmart's parking lot, a pastime in which i regret to say i've spent way too much time participating. finally, exasperated, ella sighs, "well, where the hell is it?"
i was mortified. my sweet ella, as fed up as i was with pacing down each aisle of cars looking for our own, had verbalized what i was thinking. i briefly scolded her, but the shame on her little face broke my heart because i knew that she had quite possibly heard the word from me, and that she didn't realize it was wrong.
that was just her first time. the second was when she couldn't pass a level on one of her nintendo ds games. we were waiting in line for an oil change and the girls were getting antsy. she had been grunting and mumbling under her breath, so i knew she was becoming aggravated with whatever it was she was doing in the backseat. all of a sudden, i hear "what the hell?" and almost immediately following came sobs of guilt. oh geez. what is it with that word? what is it with saying something wrong so that we can feel just a little better? even if we end up feeling even worse afterwards?
now, madelyn is different. she's always been about as straight-laced as they come. a couple of times, she's gotten tongue-tied and accidentally let one word slip, but meant another. and even that unintentional slip of the tongue has made her so embarrassed and ashamed that she nearly bursts into tears. but for the most part, she knows right from wrong and does her best to never stray from these truths. i see so much of myself in that child. the people pleasing, rule abiding, trouble avoiding 10 year old that i once was. don't get me wrong, she has her vices. she loves to get mad and scream at the top of her lungs when she doesn't get her way, or lose her temper and shove her sister when she gets on her nerves, just because it feel good to get out the frustration. for a brief moment, there's a sweet release in just being mean.
but i see something in both of my girls that makes me so proud. despite our penchant for huffing and puffing and the occasional ugly word, my children possess a genuine sense of empathy and compassion. they have a conscience. they have such a love of others and a true understanding of they should and should no do. they are good, good kids. the other day, we were in a shopping plaza and saw an old man sitting in the doorway of an unoccupied space. he may or may not have been homeless, but he did appear to be lonely, perhaps down on his luck, and both girls sensed this. ella grabbed my hand as we walked. "what if he doesn't have anything?" and then madelyn, upon returning to the car, dropped her head and prayed. she didn't have to tell me she was praying for the old man, though she did. i just knew.
i worry about raising my girls. every day, i'm scared to death of what this cruel world is going to do to them. how cold and jaded it may turn them. and raising them alone only exacerbates these fears. i thank god every waking hour that i have someone who shares my morals and core family values and helps me instill these in my children, but wow...parenting is not easy. all i can do is pray that i'm doing a good job. i'd even settle for decent job. but every once in a while, god gives me a little sign that maybe, just maybe, i am. every time my child prays without being told before a meal or sheds a tear for a man asking for change, i get a little confirmation. maybe i need to stop beating myself up and accept that i'm not doing as bad a job as i sometimes feel that i am...
...even when my 6 year old swears at her video games. :)
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
a real life happily ever after?
i like a good chick flick every now and then. what can i say? i'm a chick. it's funny, though--sad, actually--that for every romantic movie that i've watched, every loving glance shared between the movie's main characters that has made me sigh, every tear that i've shed, my emotions weren't so much for the lovers on screen, but more for the lack of those feelings in my own life. just the other day, as a quote from "the notebook" showed up on my facebook newsfeed, i got to thinking how watching love stories actually used to depress me more so than give me that warm, fuzzy feeling. but that was then...
coming to the realization that a relationship you're in is destined for failure is a hard pill to swallow. forcing something that isn't meant to be and lying to yourself is even harder. i've been there; i know.
i'm not a dating or marriage expert by no means, but i know what i know, and this is what i've learned. rocky starts are often doomed for rocky endings. if you can't imagine the thought of growing old with somebody, most likely they aren't 'the one'. happiness shouldn't be forced; lying to yourself and others that you really are happy is even worse. if you can count on your fingers the good times, but lost count of the bad times, cried more than you laughed, then it's time to move on.
it seems like i've always been lacking something. something has always been missing. sometimes a relationship may seem perfect, but the two people just drift apart or realize that friendship is better than a romantic relationship. sometimes a relationship may have one or two really good qualities, but are lacking in other aspects. and yet others are nothing more than two complete opposites trying desperately to create something out of nothing.
about 6 months ago, i met foster. he was a friend of a friend. cool guy. sweet as can be. good looking. fun. i didn't seek him out, nor did i want anything more than to hang out a few hours so as not to be alone, have a drink or two, and say my goodbyes, perhaps making an acquaintance that i could say 'hi' to if i saw out in public or if we were ever in the same company again. but apparently god had his own agenda because something strange happened. here i was, depressed and in the midst of a divorce, had been crying for weeks, stopped eating, had to take some time off from work...and during that first meeting with foster, i actually really enjoyed myself. i smiled for the first time in a while. in the weeks that followed, we shared hours upon hours of phone conversations about every subject under the sun. some of my favorite memories from the summer and fall were nights spent talking on my back patio. he gave me advice. we laughed harder than i had laughed in ages. we found out that, despite an 11 year age difference, we had so very much in common, from career and life goals to both being born in april. he actually makes me talk about issues that arise instead of sweeping problems under the rug; funny, because i have always been the one who wants to talk things out, but after years of communication issues, i've learned just to bottle things up. and he said something that really resonated with me, something that makes perfect sense, yet something that had been missing in my most recent relationships:
foster isn't perfect. neither am i. far from it, actually. but we fit together perfectly. amazingly, god created someone who is like me only of the opposite sex, put him on this earth 11 years and 2 days after i was born, and i found him. i've been told that i just exude happiness. i have a sparkle in my eye and a genuine smile again.
just like in the movies, life is full of a plethera of storylines; falling in and out of love; plot twists; good guys and bad, and supporting characters...and sometimes, when you least expect it, the start to what looks like could be a very happy ending.
coming to the realization that a relationship you're in is destined for failure is a hard pill to swallow. forcing something that isn't meant to be and lying to yourself is even harder. i've been there; i know.
i'm not a dating or marriage expert by no means, but i know what i know, and this is what i've learned. rocky starts are often doomed for rocky endings. if you can't imagine the thought of growing old with somebody, most likely they aren't 'the one'. happiness shouldn't be forced; lying to yourself and others that you really are happy is even worse. if you can count on your fingers the good times, but lost count of the bad times, cried more than you laughed, then it's time to move on.
it seems like i've always been lacking something. something has always been missing. sometimes a relationship may seem perfect, but the two people just drift apart or realize that friendship is better than a romantic relationship. sometimes a relationship may have one or two really good qualities, but are lacking in other aspects. and yet others are nothing more than two complete opposites trying desperately to create something out of nothing.
about 6 months ago, i met foster. he was a friend of a friend. cool guy. sweet as can be. good looking. fun. i didn't seek him out, nor did i want anything more than to hang out a few hours so as not to be alone, have a drink or two, and say my goodbyes, perhaps making an acquaintance that i could say 'hi' to if i saw out in public or if we were ever in the same company again. but apparently god had his own agenda because something strange happened. here i was, depressed and in the midst of a divorce, had been crying for weeks, stopped eating, had to take some time off from work...and during that first meeting with foster, i actually really enjoyed myself. i smiled for the first time in a while. in the weeks that followed, we shared hours upon hours of phone conversations about every subject under the sun. some of my favorite memories from the summer and fall were nights spent talking on my back patio. he gave me advice. we laughed harder than i had laughed in ages. we found out that, despite an 11 year age difference, we had so very much in common, from career and life goals to both being born in april. he actually makes me talk about issues that arise instead of sweeping problems under the rug; funny, because i have always been the one who wants to talk things out, but after years of communication issues, i've learned just to bottle things up. and he said something that really resonated with me, something that makes perfect sense, yet something that had been missing in my most recent relationships:
relationships require a foundation of friendship. you have to have something to build upon. just like a building has to have a firm foundation or else it will crumble, if a relationship isn't built on a firm foundation, it's just going to crumble.
foster isn't perfect. neither am i. far from it, actually. but we fit together perfectly. amazingly, god created someone who is like me only of the opposite sex, put him on this earth 11 years and 2 days after i was born, and i found him. i've been told that i just exude happiness. i have a sparkle in my eye and a genuine smile again.
just like in the movies, life is full of a plethera of storylines; falling in and out of love; plot twists; good guys and bad, and supporting characters...and sometimes, when you least expect it, the start to what looks like could be a very happy ending.
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