newsflash: i'm uncool

apparently i've gotten to the age where i'm uncool. or maybe it's just that my children have gotten to the age where they think i'm uncool. let me rephrase that: one of my children has reached that age. either way you look at it, i got an unmistakable eye roll and overexagerated sigh from madelyn the other day when i used one of her favorite sayings "easy peasy, lemon squeezy".

"mom..." she scolded, only she drew this word out into about 3 syllables as if i had just said something truly heinous.

"what?" i asked.

"nothing."

okay, so maybe i'm just a big dork and nobody has the heart to tell me. but the last time i checked, i wasn't completely hideous, i didn't dress that unstylish, and i didn't act that humiliating in public. but i have to face the fact that, no matter what i do, my children are going to be embarrassed of me at some point in time. i just didn't think that time was going to be when they were 7. who knows, maybe my 3 year old is already embarrassed by me, too, but just doesn't know how to express it yet.

i remember the first time one of my parents made me want to crawl under a rock. i was in the 6th grade, and the school was hosting a "parents vs teachers" basketball game. and, wouldn't you know it, my dad played in it. if i'm figuring it correctly, he was about 45 at the time, which i now consider to be pretty darn young. but at the time, he seemed ancient. and i remember what he wore: matching red cotton shorts and tank top. yes, a tank top. if daddy were to get in front of a million people today and play basketball, i'd be proud as punch because i think the man is awesome and hung the moon. but at 12 years old, i was absolutely mortified. i was physically sick for the week before the big game. i mean, how could my parents do this to me? show school spirit and participate in activities to raise money for my education?? ugh!

looking back, i remember that daddy did a pretty good job. and he did look cute in his matching outfit and new nikes. he probably didn't think twice about playing in that game; i bet it never even crossed his mind that i might be embarrassed of him playing ball in front of the entire school. likewise, i think nothing of it when i belt out some tunes at the top of my lungs in the car while madelyn and my niece abigail are in the backseat (you have to understand, abigail's opinion is very important to madelyn). or when i eat lunch with her at school. i wonder if she's secretly thinking, "oh my gosh, i can't believe she is singing...her voice is horrendous!" or "um, what is she thinking coming to school wearing that?"

oh well, i'm not going to worry about it too much for now. because i know that madelyn tends to overreact sometimes and i would never do anything to intentionally embarrass her in front of her peers. plus, i still have a few years of coolness left in me before she has a real reason to be humiliated by my mere existence...maybe.

running errands...undies required

i can usually tell how my child has behaved during the day by my mother's mood and facial expressions when i pick ella up in the afternoons. yesterday, i decided to leave the office and go to my parents' house during my lunch break. mom only looked mildly distraught, so i figured it hadn't been too horrible of a day thus far.


after making myself a veggie burger and snuggling on delilah (yes, my mother also babysits my dog on occasion), mom cleared her throat and glanced at ella, who was in the other room.


"let me tell you what she did earlier," mom said with a smirk on her face and a raised eyebrow.


mom had to take some food to the church for one reason or another, and of course, ella went with her. she had insisted upon wearing a skirt that morning--she's on a kick where she wants to look like the chipette eleanor from alvin & the chipmunks, which apparently means wearing a skirt--and i let her, even though i'd rather her wear "play clothes" when she goes to gran's. so they drove to the church and went in, doing whatever mom needed to do, and talking to various people who were up there. i'm not sure how ella behaved, mom didn't say. but she didn't make it a point to tell me that she had acted up or done anything out of the ordinary. so i'm assuming she was fine. and then they left. it wasn't until mom got home and ella was getting out of the car that mom realized they had forgotten one small detail.


"...and as she was climbing out of her carseat, i noticed that she wasn't wearing any panties!"


yes, you heard me correctly.


"excuse me?! she wasn't...what...where...where were they?"


"i thought they were in the car...that she had taken them off while i was driving. but they weren't in there. and then when we got in the house, i saw that she had taken them off here! i told her i was going to tell you about it."


"did you ask her why she took them off?" i had to ask.


"well yeah...why don't you ask her yourself."


so i did. and the response was classic ella. "because they were getting in my crack."


life with kids...never a dull moment.

tears and dog hair

i completely lost it this morning. after yelling at the dog and forcing her out the back door, arguing with madelyn over what she was going to wear ("no, madelyn, you wore that dress last sunday...yes, i know you like it, but let's give it a few weeks to rest, ok?"), and searching frantically for ella a pair of ruffled "church" socks, i curled up on the couch and sobbed.


this type of erratic behavior is not uncommon for a sunday, but it is embarrassing. and it makes me wonder if anyone else that i know has ever felt this way. why on earth would a grown woman get so upset that she would literally curl into the fetal position on her couch and cry? and after slowly pulling it together, start crying again at the fact that there's dog hair stuck to her tear-streaked cheek? and then break down again when everything in the closet needs ironing? why???


there has to be some underlying reason, like stress or hormones. but this particular morning, my irrationality was initiated by sleep. or the lack thereof, actually. all i wanted was to sleep in, and i just couldn't understand why ella insisted upon waking me up when her daddy was lying right beside me. yes, i realize that i'm the "mommy", but just once, i'd like for everything to be taken care of for me when it comes to the girls. i just want a break. so when ella announced that she was (and i quote) "starving" and that she "needed me to get up right now and make her breakfast", i secretly wanted to pretend i was asleep, hoping she would ask brian instead. no such luck.

then there's delilah. i love her, but she's wild. and she sheds. and most annoyingly, she chews. this dog has chewed on everything possible inside my house, from door frames to the foot board of my bed. so on this particular sunday morning, when she started chewing a tiny loop of berber carpet on the bottom step of our stairway, and eventually unravelled an entire 8 inch row of thread, i went ballistic.

which brings us to the couch. here i was, lying in a pool of tears and dog hair, tired and feeling sorry for myself, feeling so overwhelmed that i didn't even want to shower myself for church, and desperately wanting to go for a drive with delilah and drop her off in somebody down the street's yard.

"i'm about to get rid of this dog...i can't take it anymore!" i screamed.

and then, after a few minutes of silence, my 7 year old daughter said something that made me think.

"i'm glad you don't want to get rid of us when we make you mad."

she was right, of course. it was a simple sentence, a simple thought, yet so very true. and spoken by a child. losing control of our emotions, such as anger and frustration (even if over the simplest of things, like sleep deprivation or a rambunctious puppy) can cause us to act crazy. and it can make us say things we don't mean (like saying you're going to try to sell the family pet on ebay because she annoys the everloving snot out of you). so the next time i get mad, i'm going to close my eyes and imagine madelyn thanking me for keeping her and ella around even when they upset me. i guarantee i'll bite my tongue and think twice before uttering my next words.

driving...with children

driving while talking on your cell phone can be dangerous. and there are laws against driving while texting. but driving with one hand while trying to restrain your 3 year old as she attempts to jump from a moving vehicle is just as risky, yet nobody really talks about it. that's why i'm here warn you that driving with children can be dangerous, and should be done at your own risk.

i've said it before: taking children shopping or out to eat is an adventure in itself. but getting there is half the battle. when kids are babies, you have to make sure you've packed enough diapers and formula to last until you get home, a change of clothes, bibs, bottles, pacifiers, toys, and the stroller. and while you're driving, you find yourself checking your rearview mirror, or reaching blindly into that impossible-to-see-from-the-driver's-seat rear facing carseat, feeling under your baby's nose to make sure he or she is still breathing.

those were the easy days. it was when ella graduated to the forward facing carseat that the real fun began. i'll never forget the first time she got out of her seat. i swear, it was an act that houdini himself couldn't have performed. we were leaving the house in a rush; i was going to work, and she was going to my parents'. ella used to have a habit of taking her diaper off in the middle of the night. it got to the point where i would dress her in the most impossible to remove clothing at night just so she wouldn't be able take her diaper off. one night, i honestly put her to bed in a one-piece bathing suit that had crisscross straps in the back.

but this particular morning, she was just wearing a gown. in my usual, frantic, early morning rush, i scooped her up and carried her out the car. it wasn't until i started buckling her in that i realized she wasn't wearing a diaper. and there was no time to go back in the house. "oh well...let's just pray she doesn't have to potty before we get to gran's house..."

she didn't, which was a blessing. what she did do was somehow unhook the straps of her carseat. here i am driving down ted crozier boulevard, when i happen to look in my rearview mirror and see a tiny naked butt facing me from the backseat. and there was ella standing in her carseat, looking out the back window.

that's not the only time it happened, although it was the only time it happened in the nude. one day she surprised me by peeking her head through the front seats when she was supposed to be securely fastened in the backseat. there's nothing like a 2 year old chirping "hi, mommy!" right beside your face while you're going 60 down the highway to cause a mild heart attack. there have been a few instances of her door flying open, sending me quickly pulling over to the shoulder of the road. i've been screamed at, hit in the head with paper airplanes, and slapped in the back with sticky-hand toys. i've yelled "don't make me pull over!", slammed on brakes when the backseat fighting wouldn't cease, and barely been able to see above the dashboard while reaching in the back floorboard to recover a dropped toy/shoe/crayon/stuffed animal.

so while i don't drink and drive, and i'm really trying to break myself from applying makeup in the rearview on my way to work, i do continue to engage in some of the riskiest of all driving behaviors--i get behind the wheel every day with 2 kids in the backseat. fellow drivers, beware.

goodbye thumb, hello bra!

my girls are growing up. i mean, i knew it was happening. they learn something new each and every day. they're growing taller. their vocabulary is expanding. but two milestone events occurred recently that made me laugh, but also made me think, "wow...they aren't babies anymore."


at the age of 7, madelyn decided that, um, a certain part of her body required, well, a certain article of clothing. ok, who are we kidding...let's be candid about this. she declared that she needed a bra. only she didn't tell me. she told her aunt jen. i'm not sure if she was completely serious when she made this announcement, or if she was all giggly and silly when she said it. i'm willing to bet it was the latter. nonetheless, the words came out of her mouth.


i found this to be quite humorous when my sister told me. a bra? seriously? the child is tall and lanky and doesn't have an ounce of fat on her. at 7, there's no way she could even remotely need a bra. so imagine my surprise--and my amusement--when aunt jen bought madelyn a "back to school" gift. you should've seen madelyn's excitement when she pulled out of that jc penney bag two bras with matching boy short panties.


now, let me define the word "bra" as it pertains to a 7-year-old's article of clothing. it's like one of those stretchy cloth headbands...for your chest. a 4 inch wide piece of fabric with two straps. oh, and monkeys. madelyn's had monkeys on it. it's kind of like an undershirt, a camisole. only extremely cropped.

of course, she had to immediately put it on. and for the next few days she wore it under everything. and showed people. not, like, strangers on the street or anything. but gran, and aunt jen, and pappaw (who did not like it one bit. made her too "growny"). and sometimes, she wore it with nothing else over it. like the fact that she had something to cover "that part of her body" excused her from having to wear a shirt. i swear, the child sat at the kitchen table one day with the bra and a pair of shorts and that's it.

then there's ella. i had finally accepted the notion that ella, who has found solace in sucking her thumb from day one, would probably enter high school still grasping on to that horrible habit. not that it isn't absolutely adorable. you can tell when ella is getting sleepy because she will suck her thumb and rub a blanket...or the corner of her shirt...or anything else, for that matter, against her eye until she falls asleep. but the other night, ella declared to gran and pappaw when she spent the night at their house that she was finished. no more sucking her thumb.

the next morning, pappaw said that she walked into the kitchen and announced "i didn't suck my thumb last night. you can kiss my thumb good-bye!" and that was it. i haven't seen her do it since.

i couldn't wait for ella to stop sucking her thumb. although i admit it's pretty darn cute that her top front teeth have the slightest of a gap and stick out just a tad, i knew that continuing to do this would later lead to trouble. but now that she has declared that she will never do it again, i can't help but feel a bit sad. it's just another sign that she's growing up. and madelyn...there's no doubt that i love shopping for her. children's clothes are way cooler now than they were when i was growing up. and kiddie bras with matching panties are pretty cute. but the other night while i was shopping, it occurred to me that some of the kids' clothes were a lot more "grown up" than i wanted my 7 year old to be wearing. a friend and i joked that it looked like madonna, circa 1984, designed target's fall line for girls aged 7-12.

it's funny how we are always looking forward to that next big milestone: their first step, their first tooth, their first word. but the next thing you know, they're not just walking, they're running. they're not getting teeth, they're losing teeth. they're not just talking, they're backtalking. so as much as i can't wait for the day when madelyn is old enough for me not to have to pay for daycare, or when ella gets to the age where i can take her to walmart without having to straight jacket her into a shopping cart, i need to live in the now and enjoy them for the little girls that they are. my little girls. they'll grow up soon enough.